My adventure began in March but I didn’t take to the road
until closer to April of 2015. As we, my traveling soul mate and I, began our
trip returning to Texas on August 16, 2015, we began to share our reflections
as we analyzed what returning to domesticity meant and what the next chapter of
our lives would hold. When I started I had a lot of questions I wanted
answered: who am I really, am I happy with her and can I accept her for who she
is? Are the choices I’m making because I want to make them or am I moving along
with the masses? What about my career, how does that shape my personal life?
What about God, what does He mean to me?
I’ll start from the beginning: Who is Ashley?
Accepting me has been a slow process that started in High School. I dismissed all of my friends to find friends that accepted me for me, this concept was new and it was terrifying trying to figure out who I was but I chose the first day of 9th grade as my do over. The number of people I confided in was significantly less but at least I was giving me a chance to come to fruition. Did you know that I’m a nerd? I love rocks, minerals, wild & domestic life, medicine, strange diseases that I just know I’ll inevitably get and researching answers to questions that arise. Spending quality time with someone means racing them in a Sudoku puzzle, engaging in a match of Chinese Checkers or cuddling on the couch to a nice drama, food of course, and my laptop or cell ready to google some word or concept I’m unfamiliar with. I love the library and learning new things. I love to talk philosophy and asking “why” to all of your statements and boy do I wonder! I didn’t always love me; when I was younger I wanted to be wealthy, fit, or a celebrity and all to be popular. In high school I experimented with not confining myself and that was liberating; so I took this route more often. By the end of this trip I can disclose a few more things I’m certain about. I love to travel. Home is not bound by any tangible dwelling place in a specific geographic location but personal growth spurts: Dade City, Florida where childhood meant freedom among the trees and water meant peace of mind; San Marcos, TX where I went to college and adulthood meant pertinent decision making; the Westchase District in Houston, TX where professionalism meant politics and polished conversations and a social life didn’t have to include work or school; Davis, CA where a new beginning meant having no reservations or expectations and Portland, OR where my soul seems to have originated and freedom meant free to be me. I love meeting different people and hearing their walks of life. I love looking in the mirror and not having to dodge the windows to my soul; I love the Ashley that’s looking back and I intend on continuously investing in her personal growth.
Accepting me has been a slow process that started in High School. I dismissed all of my friends to find friends that accepted me for me, this concept was new and it was terrifying trying to figure out who I was but I chose the first day of 9th grade as my do over. The number of people I confided in was significantly less but at least I was giving me a chance to come to fruition. Did you know that I’m a nerd? I love rocks, minerals, wild & domestic life, medicine, strange diseases that I just know I’ll inevitably get and researching answers to questions that arise. Spending quality time with someone means racing them in a Sudoku puzzle, engaging in a match of Chinese Checkers or cuddling on the couch to a nice drama, food of course, and my laptop or cell ready to google some word or concept I’m unfamiliar with. I love the library and learning new things. I love to talk philosophy and asking “why” to all of your statements and boy do I wonder! I didn’t always love me; when I was younger I wanted to be wealthy, fit, or a celebrity and all to be popular. In high school I experimented with not confining myself and that was liberating; so I took this route more often. By the end of this trip I can disclose a few more things I’m certain about. I love to travel. Home is not bound by any tangible dwelling place in a specific geographic location but personal growth spurts: Dade City, Florida where childhood meant freedom among the trees and water meant peace of mind; San Marcos, TX where I went to college and adulthood meant pertinent decision making; the Westchase District in Houston, TX where professionalism meant politics and polished conversations and a social life didn’t have to include work or school; Davis, CA where a new beginning meant having no reservations or expectations and Portland, OR where my soul seems to have originated and freedom meant free to be me. I love meeting different people and hearing their walks of life. I love looking in the mirror and not having to dodge the windows to my soul; I love the Ashley that’s looking back and I intend on continuously investing in her personal growth.
Purposeful Choices & The Professional
Decision making for me has always been a bit inherent as I’m the oldest of my siblings. But, I learned how to make decisions based on what had to be done and not so much with consideration as to what I wanted. When I graduated high school I longed for a trip like this to figure myself out but without any money or a clue I decided college was the better option. Out of college I had to gain employment rather hastily as I was especially in debt for the newly earned bachelor’s degree. So I worked and saved.
Decision making for me has always been a bit inherent as I’m the oldest of my siblings. But, I learned how to make decisions based on what had to be done and not so much with consideration as to what I wanted. When I graduated high school I longed for a trip like this to figure myself out but without any money or a clue I decided college was the better option. Out of college I had to gain employment rather hastily as I was especially in debt for the newly earned bachelor’s degree. So I worked and saved.
This trip was the first time in my life where I had the
luxury to make a decision based purely on what I wanted and let me tell you, it
was exhilarating. Setting goals and planning the necessary steps of getting
there is all mine, and what’s more, I’m now equipped to do so. I don’t regret
the decisions that had to be made that have led me here. I went to college to
nurture and expand my mind, I entered the private sector to have the ability to
become financially stable and meet influential people who could shape my work
ethic and dedication.
This next chapter is going to be amazing and will focus on
my career. I will live internationally for a while and probably professionally
program to finance myself. But for the most part I think it’s going to be a
surprise with layers slowly unveiled to me, without reservations or
expectations, as that has been the experience so far and anyways, I think life
was meant to be lived this way. Gripping on the edge of my seat excited for the
unknown has since served me well. Either way my passion and zest for life will
radiate in my work.
And to that 7th grader who wrote about a caged bird, wings aching and arched back: we did it! We spread our wings freely and sing as we please and don’t worry, I’ll never let anyone put us in a cage again.
And to that 7th grader who wrote about a caged bird, wings aching and arched back: we did it! We spread our wings freely and sing as we please and don’t worry, I’ll never let anyone put us in a cage again.
I started truly living when I was 24 years old.
God
God remains a mystery to me. But I know I believe in Him. How could you not? If such horrors and hate exist in the world and there is no God, then what’s the point? I should engage in all sorts of illicit behavior to please my senses and satisfy all of my selfish desires because this is my one shot and I’m going to make it count. I mean what’s the point in morals or values if there’s just the 50+ years on this Earth? Are people just blindly law abiding citizens? Ultimately if there’s no acknowledgement of your endeavors and it serves no greater purpose and you inevitably just die and return to dust and nothing becomes of you then I understand those souls who aim to immortalize themselves through their work or good deeds. But that’s it, I just die and all of this was just what, a coincidental forming of atoms? Why waste my time trying to make a better world when it’s inevitably going to cook from global warming and everyone’s going to return to lonely atoms floating around. No! Logically there has to be an equal and opposite force, there has to be better, there has to be purpose. So for me, He’s there. I just don’t know the nature of our relationship yet.
God remains a mystery to me. But I know I believe in Him. How could you not? If such horrors and hate exist in the world and there is no God, then what’s the point? I should engage in all sorts of illicit behavior to please my senses and satisfy all of my selfish desires because this is my one shot and I’m going to make it count. I mean what’s the point in morals or values if there’s just the 50+ years on this Earth? Are people just blindly law abiding citizens? Ultimately if there’s no acknowledgement of your endeavors and it serves no greater purpose and you inevitably just die and return to dust and nothing becomes of you then I understand those souls who aim to immortalize themselves through their work or good deeds. But that’s it, I just die and all of this was just what, a coincidental forming of atoms? Why waste my time trying to make a better world when it’s inevitably going to cook from global warming and everyone’s going to return to lonely atoms floating around. No! Logically there has to be an equal and opposite force, there has to be better, there has to be purpose. So for me, He’s there. I just don’t know the nature of our relationship yet.
Alas…
As you can see I didn’t fully answer any of my questions, but I don’t think we’re ever meant to. I think the answers to these questions should continue to evolve; as I grow and learn I should reevaluate my answers and modify them for the growing Ashley. Alas, the trip was a success but it was only just the beginning…the next chapter awaits me.
As you can see I didn’t fully answer any of my questions, but I don’t think we’re ever meant to. I think the answers to these questions should continue to evolve; as I grow and learn I should reevaluate my answers and modify them for the growing Ashley. Alas, the trip was a success but it was only just the beginning…the next chapter awaits me.
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