Journey to Self-Discovery: Expressions Conveyed

In much of your talking, thinking is half murdered. Kahlil Gibran, On Talking.

I have been on this Journey to Self-Discovery for two months now and I’ve been asked by friends, strangers and the like “what have I discovered so far”. I have many thoughts on this question but the first is always of their facial expression.

As I’m reciting my purpose, what I’ve done, what I’m trying to accomplish, the mentors of the 18 and 19^th century, and the books I’m reading, their expression is changing. Some are taken aback by such grand gestures against the ritual of the American Dream, almost ridiculing; others have this awestruck lust for the life I’m describing, awaiting the rest of the story. Nonetheless, immediately after their initial reaction, the expression is the same; they’re captivated. Often this wonder is met by my affliction.

Why? Why do they have to live vicariously through the words of some insignificant number in the crowd, are they not as deserving as I? And what of my journey causes this fire in their eyes? Can Wallace Stegner and others have the right idea for all in that being footloose has always exhilarated us? It is associated in our minds with escape from history and oppression and law and irksome obligations, with absolute freedom.

I’ll confront this now; this preconceived notion that freedom from law, obligation, restraint and the perception of time are wholly liberating does come at a price and can carry shackles of its own. Not knowing what tomorrow has planned, where you’ll sleep and eat is chaotic. Eating is especially laborious as simply walking to the kitchen, grabbing something out of the fridge and cooking it on the stove is now an entire ordeal. If you want something other than take out it is required that you pull over, retrieve your gas stove or more monotonous, build a fire, and start cooking outside with the few pots that fit in the confinements of your vehicle. It now takes twice if not thrice the amount of time to have a decent meal.

And regularly during the tediousness of living freely the reality I left behind would surface and torture me. A good job I enjoyed often, an environment of people and relationships that catered to my personal growth, stability, convenience, security and familiarity. The same reality I will admit, drove me to madness. 

I would have to interrupt my conventional thinking with my purpose and embrace the teachings of Muir, Tolstoy, and others. Relinquishing my conditioned ways of a set schedule, I grew to appreciate the surprise everyday held for me. And just as Wallace suggested, it is exhilarating. You begin to have less and less in common with what seems like the rest of the world. I began to enjoy my solitude and dislike social situations where I was tasked with carrying on trivial conversations. I began to relish in times of thought and introspection; allowing my thoughts to wonder freely, not withholding anything.

Everything had changed suddenly… you didn’t know what to think. As if all your life you had been led by the hand like a child and suddenly you were on your own, you had to learn to walk by yourself. You felt the need of committing yourself to something absolute: life or truth or beauty…to some such ultimate purpose more fully, more unreservedly than you had ever done. Boris Pasternak, Doctor Zhivago.

But after their captivation, when I’ve finished the recount of my journey one of three expressions follow. The first is disdain, a sneered expression of good luck on your foolish venture; but their words lied, a polite farewell and best of health were said instead. Why? Is it envy, is this journey totally unfathomable to some, or is it actually judgment passed and the verdict is that I’m some hopelessly romantic lunatic whose idealistic nature is wasting time otherwise spent on investing in a career or a family? 

I wanted movement and not a calm course of existence. I wanted excitement and danger and the chance to sacrifice myself for my love. I felt in myself a superabundance of energy which found no outlet in our quiet life. Leo Tolstoy, Family Happiness.

The second, most common expression is diversion by excuse. They exclaimed how they longed for a “break” from life but all the same, they have obligations and responsibilities to fulfill. Many great professionals, colleagues, friends and family members that I discussed my upcoming journey with shared this expression. I could never have imagined so many people feeling confined and in so many areas of their lives, something I theorize contributes immensely to a crisis of the soul; more commonly, a mid-life crisis. Ultimately, we are all multi-faceted diamonds at a poker table. In choosing which cards to play and how to play them you are choosing which facets can live backseat to the main drivers; what you can and cannot live without. Getting creative to suit your facets is key, being bold with your hand is necessary but remembering that in the next round you can play your cards differently, this is essential. I can appreciate and acknowledge the reality that some of us decided long before we were adequately prepared to choose. So yes, this might prove more challenging in your scenario, now you have to make decisions as a family or as a couple, all the same, you have cards to play and how you play them is up to you; obstacles never meant halt, they meant divert.

So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. Chris ‘Alex’ McCandless, Into the Woods.

Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.  Henry David Thoreau, Civil Disobedience.

The third, most rare expression is genuine derived intrigue. I have met a few who are working towards their own journey of self-discovery or others who are considering it. I enjoy getting to meet the like-minded souls. We engage in nonstop conversation, sharing information on how to exploit every penny to extend the journey for as long as possible, influencing and encouraging each other; a band of misfits, hungry and in search of the same truth and awe of the creation of life and things.

I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms. Henry David Thoreau, Walden or Life in the Woods.

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken.

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