Year 25: In Pursuit of Happiness

Year 25: Chasing
In my profession we are expected to reflect daily on our performance, emotional responses and technical skills. It is a form of self-analysis that reveals our mistakes to us in an effort to modify our approaches slightly for a better day the following day. So I thought it would be a good exercise to reflect on my past year and determine what I can do to improve my next year and immediately I knew, this chapter of my life was called “Chasing”, my previous year, year 24, was “Living”. In my 24^th year I left the private sector to take this philosophical journey to discover who I was and what my purpose was on this earth and I determined only some of the pieces.

I want to continue traveling, I love meeting new people, experiencing new cultures and trying new food. I love God and wouldn’t be who I was today without key people, family and friends in my life. And, I love and am grateful for Mayra and Oliver; they’re my tiny family who are always there for me in times of turmoil and celebration; they encourage safe spontaneity and stop any nonsense ideas before I take action on them.

I don’t know how I feel about my last year spent chasing and not living. I know I was chasing so that I could live the way I wanted and perhaps it is a matter of perception and instead of “Chasing” it was “In Pursuit of Happiness”.

Year 25 Teaches
What did I learn though? I cannot have lived an entire year without having learned from this chapter.

I learned that I’m one hell of a fighter. I have faced many obstacles trying to pursue this new career, many logical people would have given up a long time ago and don’t kid yourself, I’ve tried so many times. But I am stubborn that way, defeat is not an option. I am grateful to God that I have something to chase at all because that’s who I am; I need to have a goal I’m trying to achieve. I hear others talk of a hopeful time when they plan to retire and that idea sends chills up my spine. What would I do if I woke up and had absolutely nothing on the agenda? I would be terrifyingly bored. I would eventually start planning for a project to keep me occupied or spiral into depression that found no use for life as I now serve no purpose and would spoil away.

I was placed in a Trading Psychology course to correct the short comings in my trading psychology and it revealed many areas of my life that could use growth and development. I learned and accepted that I have a lot of childhood experiences still influencing my emotional responses and behavior subconsciously. I have decided that I want to change and experience personal growth to overcome those preconditioned emotional responses. I had to have a few close friends do an assessment of me for the class and learned a great deal from an outsider’s perspective as well. I learned that when I’m chasing a goal I focus solely on the goal and treat it much like an obsession. I do not like this. I want to make room for other areas in my life. I shouldn’t stop living in order to live in the future under different conditions. I was convinced that goal achievement was about focusing 100% of your time and attention on the goal. But I forgot this meant that the other areas of my life would suffer as a result of the lack of care and attention. I love that this past year revealed intrapersonal areas that can be grown, developed and matured further.

I learned that the child, the young Ashley that arose from poverty, a feeble and helpless child who was incapable of defending herself, is still there in the back of my mind. I know she haunts me every time I try to take a leap of faith. I know she’s in the corner with her insecurities and lack of self-worth. I know that I have to and want to overcome her as she has started to hinder my journey. I learned that although I am a dreamer, it is okay, because I do have what it takes to live my dreams.

I learned that there are most definitely two ways to live: existing and living. Existing is excitement every Friday that it’s the end of the work week and now you can enjoy yourself on Saturday until late Sunday when you’re in dread mode of work on Monday. Living is waking up every morning and going to work by choice, proactively choosing where and how you work and where and how you live. Living is joy, it is not a state of mind that can be diminished by the turning of the tide, it is stronger, and it lasts. Joy survives under the weather. Although I would have loved to travel more and experience similar experiences to last year, I did live this year. I chose my career and I chose to chase a dream. I made some mistakes but that just means there’s room for modification; a different and more informed approach this next year.

I learned that the road to professional success is much like the road to personal success, “always in construction.” I was not ok with this at first, I had a timeline and dammit my goals needed to adhere to the schedule. But, I am ok with this now. It is an evolving, fluid, moving life form that is totally dependent on my personal growth.

Year 25: In Pursuit of Happiness
Overall, I am pleased with my 25^th year on this earth. Year 25 was not about “Chasing” as though I was never going to catch what I was pursuing, it was learning about the pursuit of happiness. A survey taken said that most people defined wealth and success as being happy. Steve Harvey said, “all you have to do now is determine what makes you happy.” He said it was about taking a chance on yourself, that from the comfort of your couch, you were not going to find your happiness; that life of abundance. I chose to pursue my happiness and to me that combined my personal and my professional self, and I decided that in year 25.

I’ll warn you, pursuing happiness is not a guarantee for all and that is because most people give up before they reach the light at the end of the tunnel. It is not easy to harness your strengths and gifts and focus them on achieving your happiness. It involves alot of passion, strength and perseverance. You will face opposition and there will be obstacles. Those voices on social media and even in your head are taunting you all along the way, pointing out your weaknesses and recalling all of your previous failures. You are at war and your largest opponent is not the world, your friends or family, it’s you. It is hard to be at war with yourself.

The best motivational analogy I heard was, “imagine you’re in court and you’re there to present a case to the judge. What would the judge rule in favor of if the entire damn time you were up there, you were presenting a case in opposition of yourself? The opposition wouldn't have to say a word and they would win. Who’s going to defend you if you’re not in your own corner?” I learned that I was at war with myself and now that I know who my opponent is, we’re in the same corner.

Year 26: En Route
Oprah asked Maya Angelou after a birthday if she considered herself wise, Maya responded, “I’m en route.” Every year she described that she’d be further along than she was the previous year but that she was still en route and the goal of the knowledge that she gained was to live what she knew.

This will be the focus of my next year on this earth. I will take what I have learned about my personal and professional self and I hope to marry the two, developing them together. I hope to build on the knowledge gained and live what I have learned thus far. January will be the end of my time in Houston, TX because after that I am off again and this time it is up to the Universe. I will continue pursuing my professional career from the beauty, wonder and spontaneity of a new place where I can experience the new culture, people and food as once before. I do not plan on “living” quite like I lived this past year but a marriage of my 24^th and my 25^th year. I appreciate that the personal and professional self are not two but very beautifully one, and I intend on nurturing them together.

I expect this goal to be tough; I expect bruises, scraped knees, late nights and a ton of work. But this time I have gratitude and understanding. I know little Ashley is in the corner afraid and I need to work on her, I know I have my support system to help me when I stumble, and I know I have the universe and the Father guiding me indirectly. I know this is the process and I am ok with giving it the time and continued attention that it needs to flourish.

My 26^th year commences, en route.